Dear The Demons In My Head,
If I could just take one second to lay my emotions down.
I get that everyone’s brains are wired different, and no two people are the same. I understand that everyone stuggles, some more than others. But, can I ask, when will this dark cloud lift? Even if it was slightly so I didn’t have the same tormenting feelings keeping me awake at night, or plaguing me during the day.
This feeling of worthlessness is eating away at me. Everything loops back to me not feeling good enough. Never this enough, never that enough. Tell me, why do I always feel that I’ve let people down?
I would like to know when the crying will stop. When the tears that attack me randomly will decide to cease. You see, I’ve messed up my makeup in public far too many times for it to be funny anymore. Funny – that’s right, I turn my struggles into a joke. It’s easier to explain them that way. Or hide my true thoughts. If I smile or laugh no one would guess the constant battle with you, my demons.
I understand that from writing this I may get called many things. I’ve already lost friends in the past because they get sick of me cancelling plans, or me being distant. The truth is, I get tired of me too.
I hate the fact that for periods of time all I want to do in hide under my duvet in a dark room. I too despise the fact that I make plans and cancel last minute. But it’s the rut I’m in. I want to have fun and socialise but the intense feeling of worry and impending disaster creep in at the last minute. It grips you and controls you, so I feel trapped. Left with no choice.
I can’t face the public – everyone hates me.
I don’t want my struggles to define me. But, I’m at the stage where they’re controlling me and coercing me. This is what it feels like to be at an absolute low. No hope. A black tunnel that has steep sloping sides. Will I ever get out?
Maybe what’s hampering recovery is the fact that I detest myself so much. The way I look, my personality. If I change, will people like me? Would I have more friends? If I lost weight would people start to pay me attention? Would they say hello in the corridor if I was taller, slimmer? I don’t want to feel guilty for eating a piece of cake. But, that is so. The crying that follows isn’t plesant.
I’ve had to pen my thoughts on paper to feel a release. I hope you understand that. I’ve had to write how I feel in order to breathe again.
I’m not a bad person at all. I’m just a girl who wants to feel happy and at peace with herself.
So, let me think straight without making me doubt every single inch of my being. Let me see sunshine again.
I‘m going to be free.
Helena Hicks 